Yesterday, I remembered that it was on August 15, 1979, that I officially started my journey as a pastor. I was 25 years old. Already married almost five years. We had two young boys, ages 3½ and 9 months. We had just purchased our first home that week. It was my first day on “the job.” It was the start of a seven-year pastorate. My first church. Elmira, New York. The beginning of 45 contiguous years of being a pastor.
Knowing what I know now, what would I tell my 25-year-old self if I could rewind my life and go back to that day? I was specifically reflecting on four areas of my life. What would I tell that 25-year-old Dennis in those four areas?
FAITH – I had already committed myself to follow Jesus nearly 15 years earlier. I had already sensed an emerging call to my life purpose 10 years earlier at age 15. At 25 years old, I was not new to faith or new to the call of being a pastor. But 45 years has taught me some things. I would now tell a much younger Jesus-follower that spirituality is messy. There is not a clear-cut linear line from saying “yes” to Jesus to moral perfection. There is no living “a happily ever after” kind of faith. I would tell a 25-year-old that God’s love and grace is especially abundant for imperfect people. You can relax in the ebbs and flows of a loving relationship with God and not be worried about messing up a perfectly aimed trajectory of religious activity. There is nothing I can do to make God love me more or love me less. I would tell a 25-year-old Dennis to always take God seriously but to take himself a lot less seriously.
HUSBAND – I think I was a decent husband at 25. Although there was that one time that something Linda did or said set off an embarrassing reaction in me that never happened before or since. My hand shot up in the air as if the next thing it was going to do was to come back down and strike her. It scared me. Badly. Before then, I would never have thought I was ever capable of hitting my wife. I didn’t. But I was sobered by the fact I had that potentiality inside of me. To this day, we talk about it and neither of us can remember what was said or done. We just remember, the time and place of the incident. And it reminds us that our 50 years of marriage hasn’t been without flaws. But by God’s grace, we’ve not just survived but thrived in our marriage. I would tell a 25-year-old Dennis to do the same things we did. We worked at our marriage. We read books on marriage. We went to marriage conferences and retreats. We went to counseling. We had honest conversations. We pushed through the tough times. We worked hard and played hard.
FATHER – My three adult kids tell me I was a good dad. When they compare themselves to their peers who have a boatload of baggage due to really messed up parenting, they see themselves as blessed. But if I could have a conversation with 25-year-old Dennis, I would say, “relax more and don’t take yourself too seriously.” I was overly perfectionistic about too many things. Things that don’t matter as much as they did back then. Keeping the car clean inside and outside. Getting their clothes or shoes dirty. And much more. But I would also tell my 25-year-old self that I would never regret prioritizing playing tennis with my son, going fishing with my other son, or playing and coaching my daughter in soccer instead of giving in to the demands of so much potential ministry that could have still been done. Being home four to five nights a week for family dinners instead of at church was a good choice. Choosing to take a weekly day off with very few exceptions was worth it. Choosing to take vacations with the family was worth it. Choosing to keep my promise to take my kids to a professional baseball game instead of leading a major annual church event (that had been changed due to weather) was a huge statement to my kids and our church. I would inform a 25-year-old Dennis that most of the people in my churches would come and go and many parishioners wouldn’t even remember my name a decade later, but my kids would never forget the times they knew I chose them over the seemingly urgent and important demands of ministry.
PASTOR – Now that I’ve had 45 years of pastoral experience, there are a few things I would tell my 25-year-old self. I would counsel him that you are more than your title. Your identity as a pastor is only a small portion of who you are. You are a child of God, a husband, a dad, a grandpa, a neighbor, a community leader, a photographer, and more. Your sacred calling is unique. It’s more than a job. But you are more than a pastor. I would let that young pastor know that people are messier than you imagined. People will tell you about their incomprehensibly ugliest sins. You will have to go to morgues to identify bodies. You will be with families when their loved one takes their last breath. You will assist people toward a life transformation that will affect generations to come. You will be sad when people didn’t follow your wise counsel. You will have to tell people the worst news they will ever have to hear. You will sometimes not have words to comfort the hysterical parents of a child who just committed suicide. You will be asked for answers to unanswerable questions. You will take the brunt of a board member’s unwarranted anger and accusations and then they will walk away and leave without even an apology or a goodbye. You will get the privilege of seeing abundant fruit from a small seed planted decades ago. I would tell a young pastor that it is not either/or. It is both/and. It is sweet and sour. But mostly sweet. A wonderful and fruitful 45 years it has been. There is very little I would change. It is a privilege to serve. I’m very grateful.
QUESTION: What are some things you would tell your 25 year old self?
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