How many times have you heard, “I’m too old to try something new!” Have you ever said that? I was proud earlier this year when my dad bought himself a new iPhone just before his 83rd birthday. It inspires me when I see older people exploring, taking risks, learning and still growing.
One legacy trait I loved about my nearly 90 year old friend Tony Hostetler—he loved to try new things. In his late 50’s, he rode a bicycle across the entire United States. In his late 80’s, he was hoping to take a bicycle trip from the Canadian border to Key West. That didn’t quite work out but he became the champion “spinner” at the gym on his stationary bike. He bought a new red sporty car at age 88 and was so proud to show me the navigation system in it. Just a couple months before his death when his health was failing, he took a caregiver on a two-week trip to visit his home area, family and some of the churches he used to pastor. He would try new suggested drinks at Starbucks. Tony wasn’t afraid to take a risk. I firmly believe it’s what helped to keep his mind sharp right up to the last day of his life.
Allan S. Teel, M.D., writes about the “dignity of risk.” The terminology originated out of de-institutionalization of developmentally disabled. But Dr. Teel says the idea applies to the elderly when medical experts, children and others encourage their aging parents to take risks and try new things. Always playing it safe is not a philosophy that leads to a fulfilling life. There is richness that comes when there is an opportunity to succeed or fail, and the opportunity that comes from choices. Dr. Teel writes, “Too many of our parents are either meekly acquiescing to the choices we made on their behalf or are equally unable to assess the full future consequences of these decisions.” His main point is—you are never too old to try something new and take some risks.
Clearly with risk comes responsibility. The risks should be measured, the responsibility taken seriously. But to paraphrase Robert Perske, there can be crippling indignity in safety.
And so my message is simply this: Have the courage and the generosity to allow yourself and the elders in your life to live their remaining years taking risks and trying new things. You both may scrape your knees, or worse, but you will be living—not just waiting to die.
QUESTION: What one new thing do you wish to try this year? Share it in the comment box below.
I’ve noticed that some people who move past age 50 start coasting—living off the successes of the past, no longer taking risks, breezing along on cruise control. Sometimes it has to do with having less physical energy. Sometimes it’s just a protection reaction to hang on to everything that has been acquired and accumulated.
Last week, I had such great feedback from my reflections on the legacy left by my mentor Tony Hostetler. So, I decided to finish out the remaining four of the nine characteristics this week that I learned from Tony and posted the day he died, 10/11/12.
“Do what ever you do with all your might,” was something I learned from Tony. While my wife knew Tony her entire life, I didn’t meet him until he was already 63. But over the last 26½ years, I’ve watched Tony live out the advice of King Solomon who said, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom” (Ecclesiastes 9:10). Apostle Paul, gave a slight variation, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men” (Colossians 3:23). Tony was proficient with these admonitions in the 21st century.
It didn’t matter if Tony was working out at the gym at age 85, he was still winning cycling competitions. When he was giving pastoral care at the church, he would be at the hospital at 5:30am to make sure he got to pray with a patient before surgery. If he went to do a visit at a nursing home or in the maternity center, he would take his harmonica along and play it with all his might if welcomed. When he was caring for his ailing wife Ada, he gave it everything he had—until family and friends repeatedly insisted she needed professional care.
Here’s a few questions to ask yourself:
Can you identify one area of your life where you know you aren’t really giving it all you’ve got?
Are you investing in the things that matter most or are there things you should let go of?
What is one thing you will do this week to counter the tendency to coast?
QUESTION: What have I missed that should be added? Share it in the comment section below.
My favorite blogger, Michael Hyatt, asked the question, “How are people left when you leave their presence?” The reality is, we have an impact on others, whether we realize it or not. Even if we haven’t been all that intentional, we will leave a positive impact or a negative impact. It is rarely neutral.
This week, I’ve been reflecting on the legacy left by my nearly 90 year old spiritual mentor, ministry partner and friend, Tony Hostetler. Tony was an encourager extraordinaire. He always found a way to brag on everyone else around him. He had plenty of things he could have been bragging on about himself…like riding a bicycle from the Pacific to the Atlantic at age 57. But he always seemed to look for something positive in the lives of adults and children alike, and he then he would point it out to everyone within earshot.
The reality is, when we interact with others, everything we say has impact. Think about it, when you leave a room after an encounter with someone, are people left either…
Encouraged or Discouraged?
Energized or Depleted?
Enthused or Demotivated?
Excited or Disheartened?
Eager or Dispirited?
King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 18:21, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” Even the things we don’t say—our attitude, our facial expressions and our body language—have an effect on others. How do you leave people?
The good news is that you are the one who gets to decide what kind of impact you will leave. You just have to become aware of your power. It may be greater than you are imagining. Use it well. Use it for good. Become an encourager.
QUESTION: What is one thing someone else said or did that especially encouraged you? Please share it in the comment section below.
As we grow older, we experience memory loss on a continuum — from simple forgetfulness to full on diagnosed dementia. Someone told me that since I’m in my late 50’s, I shouldn’t be too concerned if I forget where I put my car keys. That’s normal. However, I should be concerned if I find my car keys but I don’t remember what they are used for.
As I reflect this week on my good friend Tony Hostetler who changed his address from earth to heaven last week, one thing he taught me is to have a short memory when it comes to the sins of others.
Tony wasn’t God but he sure did have a lot of characteristics that remind me of God. For example, the Bible reminds us hat God forgives our sins and forgets them (See Isaiah 43:25, Jeremiah 31:34 and Hebrews 8:12). God has purposeful amnesia regarding our sins.
For many humans, our memories are selective and we can easily forget our wrong but we often have the keen memory of an elephant when it comes to others who have wronged us. We tend to clutch tightly to the offenses that others have committed against us.
Here are a few things that I learned from Tony that might help us forgive those who have sinned against us:
Forgiveness requires humility. Only when I realize that there are things more important in life than my wants, my needs and my feelings, can I consider letting go of my hurt.
Forgiveness requires compassion. Compassion is being moved by the plight of another, coupled with action to help him or her. Compassion allows me to try to step into the other person’s shoes and look through their eyes and experience their struggles.
Forgiveness requires trust. We may not trust the other person all that much in the beginning but trust starts as an act of faith in God. God is at work. He can give us and the other person the power to change.
Forgiveness requires self-control. To forgive, you have to say no to bitterness and choose to not allow it to be a resident house-guest, shaping your responses. You say no to the angry words and actions of vengeance. You resist the urge to share your anger with everyone else who will listen.
Forgiveness requires remembering. We find the most freedom when we remember our own need for forgiveness and we have gratitude for God’s amazing grace that has been offered to us. I love this line by Paul Tripp, “We must remember that God never mocks our weakness, never finds joy in throwing our failures in our face, never threatens to turn his back on us, and never makes us buy our way back into his favor.”
I learned from Tony that when we carry in us a deep appreciation for the grace that God and others have shown us, we will have a heart that quickly forgives. And that kind of memory loss is a really good thing.
Question: What additional things have you learned about forgiveness? Share in the comment section below.
This week, I’m dedicating my blog to sharing the attributes and qualities of my friend, spiritual mentor and ministry partner, Tony Hostetler–who died last week. Frequently I have heard many who knew Tony say, “I never ever heard him say anything bad about anyone.” And, honestly, in 26+ years, I can’t recall one time I heard him speak ill of another person. Even when we were speaking about another person whom I know treated him poorly, he found a way to say something positive or he just remained quiet.
I know that’s one thing people won’t be able to say about me when I die. While I don’t get into bashing others very often, I’ve had plenty of lapses. How about you?
What have you said in the past 24 hours, days or week that you now wish you could take back? Jesus spoke these poignant words, “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of” Luke 6:45 (NIV). Ouch!
By his example, Tony taught me that if you fill your heart and mind with God’s thoughts and His words, that’s what comes out of your mouth. Over and over again, I heard words of hope, peace, grace, love, encouragement and praise from his mouth. I know Tony had an ample supply of good things stored up in his heart. And, out of his mouth came the stuff his heart was full of.
Garages are designed to hold cars. Yet, I know a lot of people who have to park their cars outside because their garages are full of other things. Did you know our hearts were designed to be filled with good things—God things? Yet, we often fill our hearts with so much clutter that we have no room for God and His good things. Sometimes it is worry, stress, anger and guilt that fill our hearts so we have no room for God. And, the reality is, out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.
What are you filling your heart and mind with these days? If you are not sure how to answer that question, ask yourself, “What are the kinds of things that tend to come out of my mouth? Especially when I’m under pressure?” Remember, the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.
Question: What is one thing you can do today to fill your heart with good things? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.
My wife recently upgraded to the new iPhone 5. Compared to her old iPhone 3Gs, it’s chock-full of genius technological advancements. From voice-guided GPS to personal assistant Siri answering every imaginable inquiry, it will do almost anything—short of making her morning coffee and bringing it to her nightstand. I still get to do that. Only in America, would we read and watch reviews that talk about the “Five Things Wrong with the iPhone 5” with complaints that include, “it feels too light and too thin.” It seems to me that we live in a culture that lacks an attitude of gratitude.
My dear friend Tony Hostetler who died at age 89½ last week, taught me to live every day with gratitude. It could be attributed to Tony growing up on an Amish farm in Ohio where hard work, no electricity and horse-drawn carriages and farm implements were the norm. But I don’t think so. I’ve been spiritually mentored by Tony for nearly 27 years and I believe his gratitude comes from so much more than the environment of the first 18 years of his life.
Tony taught me that gratitude comes from daily reflecting on God’s grace, goodness and provision. It was such a consistent pattern of his life for so many years that it didn’t matter that his body was fading and he was under the care of hospice in his final weeks. Everyone who went to visit Tony in the hospital, hospice or assisted living, walked away being encouraged and inspired. Gratitude just seeped out of his pores.
Experiencing and expressing gratitude is an important part of a healthy life at every age—especially as we mature. There are benefits. Gratitude opens the heart and activates positive emotions centers in the brain. Regular practice of gratitude can change the way our brain neurons fire into more positive automatic patterns. The positive emotions can sooth distress and broaden our thinking patterns so we develop a larger and more expansive view of our lives. Gratitude is an emotion of connectedness, which reminds us we are not in this world all alone.
Here are a few things that might help you get started in experiencing more gratitude:
- Deliberately meditate today on all the things in your life that God has blessed you with.
- Write out a gratitude list this week.
- The holidays are a great time to express your gratitude to friends and family via cards, actions or gifts.
- Serve some one in need on a regular basis by volunteering one hour a week.
- Be intentionally generous with your time, talent and treasure for the next 90 days.
I want to live my life with more gratitude. It’s easier for me to complain than to be thankful. I’m going to make my list right now.
QUESTION: What is one thing you have tried that helps you increase your gratitude? Please share your comment below.
You may have seen your kids or grandkids use BFF at the end of a text message. The BFF abbreviation simply means Best Friends Forever. Last week I lost a spiritual mentor, a ministry partner and a caring friend, Tony Hostetler. If you were around Tony for very long, you would be convinced that he was your best friend and God’s best friend.
Tony loved God and loved people. He fully lived out the answer Jesus gave to an inquiring seeker who asked which part of all the collection of religious writings, thoughts and Holy Scriptures was the pinnacle of importance? Jesus responded. “’Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:37-40).
When you were around Tony, you quickly got the impression he was tight with God. He understood that any of us are as close to God as we choose to be. Like any friendship, you must work at developing your friendship with God. It won’t happen by accident. It takes desire, time and energy. Tony made an intentional decision to start his friendship with God through meeting Billy Graham in 1950. For the next 62 years, Tony made getting to know God his top priority. Intimate friendship with God is a choice, not a coincidence. Tony wanted that relationship with God more than anything else in the world. And he developed the habits needed to nurture that relationship to BFF status.
In the 26+ years that I rubbed shoulders with Tony, I admired the way he made everyone feel he was their best friend. It wasn’t in an artificial salesperson kind of way. It was authentic and from the heart. Tony loved people with the same measure of love he received from his relationship with God. He accepted people just as they came to him. He didn’t judge them. And he offered grace without any conditions. Tony simply represented God—because he knew Him so intimately.
Tony’s passing reminds me to continue to make loving God and loving people my highest value. How about you? Are you being intentional about building your friendship with God? Are you investing regularly in your relationships with others?
QUESTION: What have you discovered to be one of the best ways to nurture your friendships? Please share your comment below.
No, I’m not talking about people who remember carrying peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to school in a lunch box. The Sandwich Generation are the people caring for their aging parents while supporting their own children. The numbers are staggering.
According to Pew Research Center, just over 1 of every 8 Americans aged 40 to 60 is both raising a child and caring for a parent. In addition, between 7 to 10 million adults are caring for their aging parents from a distance. And census stats show that the population of older Americans aged 65 and up will double by the year 2030 to over 70 million.
There is an incredible amount of stress in caregiving. Most Americans will be informal caregivers at some point during their lives. Informal unpaid caregivers provide 80% of the long-term care in the United States. Caregivers are at a high risk for their own health issues, emotional collapses, abuse of drugs or alcohol or outright exhaustion.
If you or someone you know is a caregiver, especially a Sandwich Generation caregiver, here are some starter tips that you can share which may help:
- Find out about caregiving resources in your community. Caregiving services may include transportation, meal delivery, home health care, home modification assistance, and legal or financial counseling. There are adult day-care centers in most communities.
- Ask for and accept help. Be prepared with a specific list for others who ask if they can help. Don’t be afraid to ask family to help out.
- Don’t feel guilty if you aren’t the perfect caregiver. There are no perfect parents and no perfect caregivers. Just do the best you can with what you have.
- Identify what you can and cannot change.
- Set realistic goals. Break large tasks into smaller steps that you can do one at a time. Prioritize, make lists and establish a daily routine.
- Join a support group for caregivers. In most communities, there are groups that meet around caring for specific needs such as dementia. It can be a great way to make new friends and pick up tips from others facing similar challenges.
- Make time for yourself. One way or another, do something at least once a week for yourself. Each day, do your best to eat healthy, exercise and get enough sleep.
- Know your limits. You must know yourself and your family well enough to know when you need to let someone else be the caregiver.
The above ideas are just a beginning. Your local Area Agency on Aging can give you much more specific guidance. And most of all, ask God to guide you to the right resources you need. Scripture says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all you ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6).
QUESTION: What other things have I missed that should be mentioned? Use the Comment area below.
Earlier this summer, my 83 year old father ended up nearly bedridden before having extensive back surgery. After several weeks in the hospital, he was discharged to a rehab facility to recover for a couple months before returning home. This was a wake-up call for our family.
Like many families, reasonably good health of aging parents didn’t provide any particular reason to have a serious conversation about what to do if one or both parents could no longer care for themselves. How quickly things can change. It’s been almost four months since his back surgery and he still isn’t able to fully care for himself. And the biggest problem for me, I live 3,500 miles away and I can’t do much to help my other nearby siblings and mother.
Waiting until a small issue becomes a big concern is too late. At that point, a family is forced to respond to a crisis rather than have the luxury of implementing a well-thought-out plan to help with living a quality life.
Like many families, ours is learning under pressure and out of necessity. Let me some suggest a few things that might help your family to better plan in advance to care for aging parents.
- Initiate a conversation with all family members about the need for a plan. Topics might include finances, legal planning as well medical care decisions.
- Learn about your parents’ wishes. Find you what kinds of medical treatment and care they desire under various circumstances. It is always best to hear first hand the wishes of parents and not have to make an emotionally-laden guess when tough decisions are necessary.
- Determine what written documents are needed. Is there an updated estate plan, will, living will, durable power of attorney, health care surrogate, etc.?
- Discuss difficult subjects like when the older person should stop driving. Include conversation about possible options to prevent isolation when that time comes.
These kinds of conversations can be difficult to initiate due to a wide variety of reasons and a complex weave of relationships. The more openly these topics are discussed, the easier it will be to address situations before crises arise. And further more, when the aging parent is included in the conversation, it allows them to feel more empowered as they participate in the decision-making process.
QUESTION: What topic have you found to be the hardest conversation to have with aging parents? Use the comment area below.
At almost 59, the chances are, I have gone further than I have to go; which is an uneasy way of saying my mortality isn’t all that far away. A piece of reality but disturbing—didn’t I just start college?
The future will certainly hold a grocery cart of possibilities; from wonderful and exciting to devastating. But as I walk the path ahead, I begin to think in terms of “controllables” and “uncontrollables”.
Those items I can control are items like: my savings vs. spending, what I eat, my focus on family, friends, work and other interests. The items which I cannot control would be things like, health (only controllable to a limited degree), the economy and by extension-the stock markets, interest rates and the price of gasoline.
The future is in front of me and the path I’ve walked behind. What did I learn and how can I use it to make today and ultimately tomorrow better? Let me share a few quick thoughts I’ve learned most closely connected to the financial side of life:
1. Living your values is important. What are you doing to make sure you use your time, talent and treasure for the things that matter most? What does your calendar and checkbook say about your values?
2. Money you spend today is not going to be there tomorrow. It is very important to make each decision count. Seek out a good financial planner if you don’t already have one.
3. Poor money habits will not change themselves. If you haven’t had good patterns of money management, now is the time to make a change. It takes understanding, determination and the will to change. Take a class like Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University or something similar.
4. Life balance and money balance are often synonymous. What are you doing to make sure you have balance and the right priorities in every area of your life? Seek out mentors that can help you in each area of physical, emotional, spiritual, relational and financial health.
5. The greater your resilience the better the chances you will be able to adapt to the unknowns. Flexibility is one of the critcal traits needed to navigate unknown paths. If you build margin into your life in terms of money, time and physical stamina, it can make all the difference in the world. If you constantly run flat out, stressed out and nearly on empty, you will have trouble adjusting to the uncertain twists and turns that life brings.
As you walk into your future, how well are you positioned to live the next phase of your life according to your dreams, goals and values?
QUESTION: Which one of the five points above to you need to concentrate on first? Please share your comment below.
