Are you trying to become a better listener? One essential skill for better listening is learning the art of asking great questions. When you are in a conversation and you ask questions, it helps you stay in a listening posture and keeps bouncing the conversation ball back into the other person’s court.
Questions are a great asset in any conversation. I’m not talking about questions that interrogate, humiliate, manipulate, show mistrust or are just random. I’m referring to questions that are thoughtful, thought-provoking and encourage continued dialogue. Steve Ogne and Tim Roehl have written a great book, TransforMissional Coaching, with a whole chapter on asking great questions. Let me share some gleanings that have helped me in this area of conversation.
Ways great questions enhance a conversation:
Show Value — When you are asking questions that relate to the person you are speaking with, it reminds that person the conversation is about him or her, not about you.
Engage and Involve — Thoughtful questioning keeps your conversation partner as an active participant and not a passive receiver.
Focused Dialogue – Questions keep you dedicated to explore the environment of the other person and a specific topic rather than diverting the conversation to random chatter.
Encourages Thinking – John Whitmore said, “Telling saves people form having to think. Asking questions causes them to think for themselves.” Good questions release the other person’s best reflections and insight.
Increases Listening – When you ask questions of another, you then have to quit talking to listen to their response. Our two ears work so much better when our mouth is inviting responses rather than imparting information.
Invites Disclosure – Questions open the door to data which often leads to another question that uncovers more information that leads to still more questions. More information and disclosure usually leads to a deeper relationship and to better problem solving.
Helps with Self-Discovery – Great questions can intentionally guide a conversation to creating self-awareness. Rather than telling someone what they “need to see” about themselves or their circumstance, a poignant “aha” moment is always a much greater and effective change agent.
Remember, questions can be used, misused and abused in a relationship. They can be used to help or harm another person. Great questions are both intentional and powerful bridges to better relationships.
QUESTION: What additional thoughts do you have? Share them in the Comment section.
Listening is one of the most important skills for success at every age and stage of life. How well you listen has a major impact on your job effectiveness, your marriage, your parenting and the quality of all your relationships. We listen to obtain information. We listen to understand. We listen for enjoyment. We listen to learn. Given all the listening we need to do, you would think we’d all be good at it! Not so much.
Research suggests we remember between 25 and 50 percent of what we hear. That means if you talked to your spouse, your boss, your neighbor or your kids for 10 minutes today, they paid attention to less than half of what you said. Turn it around the other way. You were listening to less than half of everything that was said to you yesterday. Hopefully, you heard the most important half of the conversation!
Today, be a better listener. It will help you to improve your productivity, as well as your ability to influence, persuade and negotiate. Even more, it will likely raise your chances of avoiding conflict and misunderstandings. It will help you be more successful.
Here are some essentials:
Be intentional. It doesn’t happen by accident. Listening is hard work. “Seek first to understand, then to be understood” (Stephen Covey).
Listen beyond the words. In a previous post, I mentioned that communication is 7% words, 38% tone and 55% body language. So, listen with more than your ears. Engage your eyes. Hear with your heart.
Beware of “autobiographical” responses. Quick interpretation and advice given out of your own experiences can shut off your listening. Instead, ask questions to inquire more, dig deeper and explore feelings the other person might have below the surface.
Don’t fear silence. We tend to get uncomfortable with silence but it can help us get past the superficial to options beyond the obvious. If we are willing to wait and not fill the silence with words while the other person is reflecting, we will tend to get a more authentic response.
Listen for the “aha” or “uh-oh” moments. I love it when careful questions cause the lightbulb to come on and fresh insight is visible. These points of self-discovery are priceless. It always sticks better and brings more change.
All of these things take practice. Effective listening means you make a conscious effort to hear more than the words that are being spoken. More importantly, you try to understand the complete message being sent. It might help to repeat their words mentally as they say them. If you are uncertain, it will be highly appreciated if you interrupt with, “What I hear you saying is…” Others want to be heard. And the truth is, you and I also want to be heard. Let it begin with me.
QUESTION: What essentials did I miss? I’d love to hear from you in the Comment section below.
Great listening and excellent communication include something so obvious but frequently overlooked. You can demonstrate either interest or disinterest in another person without a single word. In fact, you can speak volumes without opening your mouth! I’m talking about the non-verbal part of communication.
It has been repeatedly stated that communication is 7% spoken words, 38% tone of voice and 55% nonverbal. If listening is one of the major parts of good communication, listening with more than your ears is even a bigger deal. You can build listening bridges with your body language. Pay special attention to the nonverbal side of how you listen.
Steve Hoke and Myra Perrine do a workshop on “Fostering a Healthy Relational Environment” and they suggest some things that have helped me evaluate my listening style. See if it won’t help you to fine-tune your nonverbal listening skills:
Set aside distractions – Whether it’s your smart phone, iPad, computer, a book, television or newspaper, it must be turned off or put away if the person you are communicating with is to feel valued. Trying to text, checking your emails or glancing at the television is a sure way to telegraph to the person they are low on the priority list.
Ignore nearby distractions – This is the toughest one for me when I’m standing in a public place and there are other people, noises and activity all around me. Tuning out all that other stuff takes a lot of work but it’s vital to great listening–especially in a less than private environment.
Give focused attention – Staying alert and engaged is critical. We all know how it feels when someone falls asleep while we are trying to carry on a conversation.
Maintain appropriate eye contact – This is probably one of the biggest nonverbal gestures that communicates you are staying connected to the dialogue. It takes a lot of focus but it speaks loudly.
Use appropriate posture and facial expression – It’s amazing how much leaning forward toward the person and an occasional nod transfers a sense of caring and interest.
Be aware of your body posture – Turning your body toward the person you are listening to rather than partially away from them goes a long way. Unfolding your arms and legs communicates openness.
Touch appropriately – A gentle touch on the arm when someone is struggling emotionally or being very vulnerable sends an important message of empathy and concern.
Sit or stand at the same level – Choose where you sit or stand very carefully. If you sit too close or too far away, you might send an unintended message. If you sit in a chair that is higher or stand while the other person is sitting, you can easily communicate superiority or power that hinders the flow of conversation. Try to have your face and eyes level with the other person.
Since nonverbal contact represents over half of the impression we leave, a communication encounter can be seriously enhanced or hindered by the visible but often overlooked. Pay special attention to the nonverbal cues you give and receive today and watch it potentially increase your effectiveness as a communicator.
QUESTION: What other nonverbal cues did I miss? Share them below. Thanks!
If you ask a roomful of people, especially leaders, “How many of you have ever had training to help you listen?” Usually only a few hands will go up. Those who have majored in counseling or communication are generally the only ones who have had any training in listening. Many have had speaking, teaching, or preaching classes, but few have any instruction in listening, reflecting and asking. Yet, communication at its very best, involves listening.
“The one who gives an answer before he listens—this is foolishness…” (Proverbs 18:13). In his book, The 8thHabit, Stephen Covey identifies five levels of listening: Ignoring, Pretend (patronizing) Selective listening, Attentive listening and Empathetic listening. Developing your listening skills to level five is a carefully honed skill. But we can all start with the attitude needed—caring for others. The oft-used axiom is the start line, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” When others know you care, they are much more willing to listen to what you have to say and give, when its your turn to talk.
When I train Community Chaplains, I teach that we should work toward listening 80% of the time and talking only 20% of the time in our interaction with someone. This is also a good rule-of-thumb in a coaching relationship. If you are leading a small group, speaking no more than 30% of the time is a good goal. In just an everyday conversation at work or in your home, have you ever just paused to be self-aware of whether you are monopolizing a conversation or attentively and empathetically listening to the other person? Try it today.
Here are four benefits of great listening:
Great listening lets people know they are respected and valued. This is true of children, spouses, co-workers, neighbors and strangers.
Great listeners “hold up a mirror” so others can see themselves. Listening has a great “reflecting” quality to it. Others have a chance to think out loud and see the facts more clearly—like wiping the shower steam off the bathroom mirror. Good reflection can bring reality, focus and clarity to help persons become better aware of what they are doing, or understanding their own identity.
Great listening helps provide accurate information. When we really listen, we are a whole lot less likely to jump to conclusions and move beyond making assumptions. We have a better chance of seeing the whole picture.
Great listening builds credibility. When people around you feel genuinely heard and even understood, they trust you a whole lot more.
There are a lot of other essentials for excellent listening. The verbal and non-verbal sides both need to be present. Asking the right kind of open-ended questions is an invaluable skill you can learn. Stay tuned. We’ll talk about those in future posts.
QUESTION: Any other benefits to listening you want to add? Share it below. Thanks!
As a leader for over three decades, I’ve learned that people tend to resist change. Some mildly resist. Some criticize it but then adjust. Some run from it. And some fight change with every ounce of their energy. From a leadership perspective, I’ve learned a few things about why people resist change.
Here’s some common reasons why folks struggle with change:
CONFUSION – As a leader, I’ve made the mistake of not giving people enough information about the change I’m asking them to make. When people understand what the change is about and the reasons behind the change, they often become less opposed and even supportive.
CONTROL – Resistance to change increases when folks feel like they are losing control. I have discovered that patient, honest, transparent conversations, while remaining firm with the change, can sometimes keep change critics from working against you, even if they still don’t agree with the change. And, then sometimes, you simply have to move forward without their support because some people always want to be in control.
CARE – Some reluctance to change comes out of others feeling the leader doesn’t care. I have seen that including people in the decision process, acknowledging and attempting to understand their concerns, along with good vision casting can alleviate some of these concerns. People don’t care about how much you know until they know how much you care.
CONFLICTED – There are people who object to change because they object to life. They have been wounded deeply and they continue to live in such pain that any additional change shakes their world disproportionately to others experiencing the same adjustment.
COMFORT – This is probably the most common reason for opposition to change. It’s uncomfortable. We just don’t like it. And truthfully, we all resist change at some level. Resistance to change is relative to the size of the change. Of course, our life experiences, our wiring, and our personalities all contribute to how we adjust to both slight variations and radical transformations.
So, if you are facing some change right now and you find yourself resisting, take a look at these five words and see if you can identify which one is the predominant reason? If you are a leader and you find others around you resisting change, how might you adjust your presentation of change so others around you might respond more positively?
QUESTION: What additional reasons would you add as to why people resist change? Please share them in the comment area below.
Many mountain climbers have lost their lives on the Swiss Matterhorn and are buried nearby in what has become known as the “Climbers Cemetery” outside the small town of Zermatt, Switzerland. The fascinating thing that I learned recently was a study by a historian that revealed two-thirds of the climbers in this graveyard made it to the Matterhorn peak, but died on the way back down. They started strong but could not finish, mainly because they were not adequately prepared.
All of us are susceptible to this same danger. Most of us aren’t Swiss alpine climbers. But in every day life, it can be easy to go full out in the beginning, but it’s much harder to finish well. Finishing well takes a lot intentionality.
When people hit their 40’s and 50’s, birthday cards and people say, “It’s all downhill from here.” The reality is, none of us know until the very end where the actual half-way point was. It’s even a little difficult to tell when we’ve reached the peak and are heading down the other side. Regardless of when the “second half” of your life begins, there’s no real reason that I can see that anyone should fail to live with enthusiasm, resolve and passion.
Here are a three things I’m learning about making the second half count:
Fine-tune your Purpose – Young people tend to invest a lot of energy in getting ahead and establishing themselves in their careers and growing their families. Sometimes they forget to consider planning for the future when there will be an empty nest and a loss or change in professional focus. If you don’t have a clear written mission or purpose statement, write one. If you wrote one earlier in your life like I did, consider rewriting it.
Seize the Day – Just go for it. Make the most of life. Take some classes. Teach a class. Volunteer. Mentor a young person. Get involved with your kids or grandkids. Put the wealth of wisdom you have to good use. Give generously of your time, talent, and treasure. Don’t wait for meaning to come to you. Seize the moment and grab the opportunities you have.
Stay in Performance Mode – Don’t slide into maintenance mode. Be careful of letting your guard down because “all the hard work has already been done.” That’s how people die when coming down the mountain. Instead, keep climbing. Fight for your wife’s love like never before. Get to know your kids even if they have already left your home. Hone your skills and learn new ones. Continue to push the envelope. Try something new. Go after God like you’ve never done before. Finish in a sprint. Keep on climbing.
QUESTION: What have you learned about staying sharp and fresh? Please share in the Comment section. Thanks.
The day before a recent trip from Florida to Oregon, I saw a local news blurb about a doctor who was arrested at our home airport for causing a disturbance. Evidently, she was screaming and cursing at the airline ticket agents, refusing to calm down and leave the area when the airport police arrived. Instead, she began to take videos and photos of the airline staff while continuing to loudlly berate them. Repeatedly ignoring police commands, the doctor was put in handcuffs and arrested for trespassing and resisting without violence.
I’m not sure if the above story came out of a sense of entitlement because of her profession or if she was just having one of those days that went from bad to worse—a cancelled flight that deteriorated into the sound of a jail cell door clanging behind her. But, it made me think about all the blessings and privileges I have and yet how ungrateful and unthoughtful I can be sometimes.
I was taken back in my mind to God’s call to the Father of all Jews—Abraham. Genesis 12:2-3 records God’s promise and challenge to Abraham, “I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.” We are all blessed with time, talent and treasure to be a blessing to others.
When I flew to Oregon the next day I made a decision to be a blessing. I chose to seek out the lowliest and least appreciated person in all of the airports I travelled through. I blessed every attendant I encountered in the Fort Myers, Charlotte, Phoenix and Portland airport restrooms. I made eye contact with each one of them and smiled. I thanked them for their hard work. I complimented them on the great job they did keeping the floors, the sinks and the toilets clean. One of them had a tip jar on the countertop next to the mints he provided so I handed him a five-dollar bill and blessed him with encouraging words.
I had a blast the whole thirteen hour trip through four airports as I eagerly looked for the guy with the mop or toilet paper in hand. It was so much fun to be a blessing, to see the grins and hear the startled “thank you” from guys rarely appreciated. It’s a blessing to be a blessing. We have been blessed to be a blessing. Why not make a special effort today to bless someone with your words, your smile or your unexpected actions? It will make you smile from the inside out!
QUESTION: Would you share a similar experience of how you blessed someone recently? Use the Comment section below. Thanks!
Whether you are a marathon runner, a sprinter, a swimmer, a basketball player or any other athlete, you know the importance of finishing well. Winning or losing often comes down to the last hundred yards, the final hundredth of a second, one last free-throw or the ball going through the uprights. All of us have cheered or groaned as the clock ran out based on how our favorite athlete or team finished.
I was recently inspired by Reggie McNeal. He was writing about leaders who showed great promise but failed to live up to the their potential. There’s the obvious flame-outs—derailments due to character issues, moral failures and bad decisions. But two finish-line obstacles caught my attention.
Burn-outs and stale-outs are additional ways people falter before reaching the end zone. In fact, I think these two “outs” claim about as many victims as flame-outs. Stalled and disrupted lives show up in lots of different ways. Let me share three things Reggie mentioned what I’ve been learning for myself and observing in others over the years. It’s focused on the fine art of finishing well.
Keep Learning – We have to practice lifelong learning and unlearning. None of us can afford to become stagnant if we plan to finish well. We will likely have to unlearn some things in order to make room for other things we absolutely need to know. For example, we may need to unlearn self-sabotaging behaviors, the less-than-positive way we see ourselves or past behaviors that have compromised our effectiveness. If you aren’t learning, you aren’t growing. If you aren’t regularly reading new material, stretching your mind and hanging around people more knowledgeable than you are, you will stagnate.
Are you planning anything that pushes you beyond your comfort zone? Are you rubbing shoulders with growing people? Are you regularly trying something new (experiences, food, places, technology)? Are you learning from disciplines outside your own educational or career background? Is there anything fresh and new going on in your life?
Keep Managing Yourself – Self-management is an essential ingredient to finishing well. The difficult management of self will include time management, money management or setting and keeping appropriate boundaries. Our health is important to finishing well. Are you paying attention to your body and getting adequate rest, nutrition and exercise? How about your spiritual health? Emotional health? (see Peter Drucker’s writing on Self-Managment)
Another big self-management arena is your relationships. Are you making sure your people skills are continuing to grow? How are things with your most important relationships—your family? Are you nurturing relationships with friends, mentors, and confidants? Are you mentoring anyone a generation or two below you?
Keep Singing Your Song – “Know your tune” writes Reggie McNeal. Make sure others around you know how they can contribute to the music. Discover and focus on the harmonies and lyrics that fit you best. Make sure you know the sweet spot where your 3 Critical C’s (Core, Capacity and Context) overlap (see Halftime for additional resources). Keep practicing your song until you can’t get it out of your mind.
QUESTION: What would you add to the principles of finishing well? Share it below.
A couple years ago someone pointed out to me that a survey of the top 100 leaders in the Bible showed that only one-third of them finished well. The other two-thirds finished poorly. When I look around me, I think I see just a little better stats than that but I’ve seen a lot of prominent leaders in business, politics and ministry, leave a mess in their wake. It happens way too often.
A ministry leader I respect, Ed Stetzer, recently wrote a blog on the “Five Reasons Leaders Finish Poorly.” The blog was focused on older ministry and movement leaders who are nearing the end of their public leadership. His reasons included not trusting younger leaders, fighting over unimportant things, identities too connected to productivities, getting angrier as they grow older and not letting go of the baton to younger leaders. I’ve noticed commonalities as I reflect on the leaders I’ve seen crash and burn.
But this post is about only one sobering leadership principle that we must grasp if we want to avoid finishing poorly. It has to do with your public life and your private life. They are inseparable. You can try to manage two identities. It won’t work. It might for a time, but not for long. You’ll be discovered. Your personal junk will impact your professional world—eventually. This is the one most common reason that leaders finish poorly.
Here’s my suggestion: It’s better to protect your public life by improving your private life. And, it’s better to do it now rather than later.
QUESTION: What additional reasons do you see as to why leaders finish poorly? Thank you for noting them in the Comment section.
Last month when my wife and I were driving through the little one-stoplight-town of Lafayette, Oregon, we started chuckling. We were both remembering the time a few years ago when we parked along Main Street in Lafayette to meander through some antique shops. We came back to our rental car and tried to put the key in the door. It wouldn’t go in the lock.
As I kept trying to turn the key in different directions to get it in the lock, I grumbled and complained. The key looked a bit bent, so I tried to straighten it. I gave my wife the key and she tried to unlock the door. Growing more and more frustrated about what might have happened to this crazy rental key or the key lock on the car, my wife looked through the window of the car and couldn’t believe her eyes. All the stuff inside the car didn’t match anything we owned. It was the wrong car!!
Right key, wrong car. Another car of the same make, model and color had been parked one or two spaces from ours. We were trying to get into the wrong car. We looked around to see who might be watching and then laughed at ourselves as we easily opened the right car.
I’ve thought about that faux pas many times since. I’ve met a lot of folks who live their lives trying to put the key in the wrong door. They get so absorbed with some small aspect of a situation and totally fail to step back and survey the entire situation—like just looking at the obvious interior elements of the car that were visible all along.
Some of my favorite quotes include:
“I’m like the painter with his nose to the canvas, fussing over details. Gazing from a distance, the reader sees the big picture.” –Steven Saylor
“In order to properly understand the big picture, everyone should fear becoming mentally clouded and obsessed with one small section of truth.” – Xun Zi
Sure, sometimes we really need to center on the details. Yet, many times we can get so wrapped up in those little things that we totally miss the big picture. It can happen in a marriage. It can happen at work. It can happen when we raise children—focusing on small behaviors instead of looking at the tone of the heart. We always need to keep the end in mind. Never get so engrossed in the particulars that you forget the purpose of the key—to start the car and take you to your destination.
QUESTION: What minutia do you need to let go of in your life? Please share below.
